Snow White Has a Big Dwarfs Problem

How Disney could have used Snow White's seven companions to boost the box office.

Disney’s Snow White— a live action remake of their 1937 animated classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs— goes “hi-ho hi-ho” into over 3,000 screens this weekend but unfortunately the box office projections are “so-low, so-low” for such a mega-budgeted IP flick. One element of the film that has been a nonstop debacle from Day 1 has been the depiction of Snow White’s companions. Peter Dinklage showed off the size of his star-power when he forced Disney’s hand in changing the dwarfs into “seven magical creatures” who would be played by actors of all sizes. Then leaked set photos revealed not “seven magical creatures” but something closer to “seven hipsters in a pirate themed improv troupe”, causing another backlash from a public freaked out at the prospect of Snow White getting dragged to watch Harold Night at the UCB Theater . The human actors were then replaced with shoddy CGI companions in post production, which are so horrific that the companions have been completely sidelined in the film’s marketing campaign. And here we are, with a Snow White film that hasn’t been able to leverage Doc, Sleepy, and the five other pre-branded IPs. This mess all could have been avoided if only Disney had started by thinking outside the Cave, and changing Snow White’s companions to one of these options geared for a 2025 audience.

Option 1: Snow White and the Seven Paisans: The Alto Knights opens this weekend, starring Robert De Niro playing two different mobsters who are not twins but look and sound exactly alike. The film is expected to bomb, but the basic idea of multiple De Niros is a solid one that Disney should have leveraged years ago. Instead of Snow White ending up in a Companions Cave, the 2025 remake could have had her wake up in an Italian restaurant in The Bronx surrounded by not two but SEVEN Robert De Niros. Rachel Zegler’s Snow White would thrill audiences by making sauce and ziti for her Seven Paisans. In return the multiple De Niros— named Whacky, Batty, Shooty, Stompy, Stabby, Wiseguy and Fuggedaboutit— could have taught Snow White the meaning of the word respect by brutally gangland executing her wicked stepmother. Zegler showing off her pipes by singing Frank’s “My Way”—while a gang of De Niros chop up the stepmother’s corpse—is a rousing finale that would have KILLED at the box office.

Option 2: Snow White and the Seven Dorfs: Rather than reanimating the “dwarfs”, Disney could have charmed audiences with CGI renderings of Tim Conway’s classic home video character Dorf. Best known for the 1987 VHS smash Dorf on Golfing this comedic icon brings the laughs for modern kid audiences and nostalgia for their parents. Following Tim Conway’s 2019 death, it’s a sure thing that the Conway heirs would love to sell the Dorf rights so that they could re-invest in Crypto. Disney could have paid off those Conway brats (who are in their late 60s), owned Dorf outright, and had the seven CGI Dorfs messing with Snow White’s golf swing to the delight of children everywhere. Dorf modernizes Snow White by teaching her how to gamble on sports (see Dorf on Draft Kings) while the movie would serve as a reinvigoration of the (now Disney controlled) Dorf brand.

Option 3: Snow White and the Seven Emotions: Even if Disney didn’t want to pony up the dough for the rights to the Dorf brand and couldn’t hit De Niro’s “fuck you, pay me seven times” quote to portray Seven Paisans, they still had the solution in their own stable. They should have just paired up Snow White with seven of the emotions from their blockbuster Inside Out franchise. Pixar would never admit it but Inside Out basically rips off the original “dwarfs” anyways. What is the Lewis Black voiced “Anger” if not a blatant “Grumpy” imitation? Disney could have just re-used Inside Out footage and spliced the hit character of “Anxiety” into this Snow White movie. Pixar executives gets to do their favorite thing and use kid cartoons to replay their therapy sessions, with Snow White working through her step-mommy issues until Anxiety forces her to pop some Xanax. Tony Hale’s “Fear” character freaks out when all the birds fly onto Snow White’s hands, “Ennui” replaces Sneezy, it’s a slam doink. Snow White and the Seven Emotions would be a guaranteed $100 million domestic opener that Peter Dinklage would have happily endorsed.

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